An Utter Catastrophe
by Red Witch
Summary: Krieger ends up getting a new pet when a cat sitting assignment goes awry.


**Schnuckiputzi ate the disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters. I love Krieger's Dreamworld cat. So I created…**

 **An Utter Catastrophe **

"All right," Mallory sighed to her agents as she sat at her desk in her office. "I know things aren't good right now."

"Things weren't good when we got disbanded from being spies the **first time!"** Lana snapped. "And had to start a drug cartel."

"Or the **second time** when we had to start a detective agency," Ray added. "And it took us three months to get ourselves a client."

"And we all know how **that** ended!" Cheryl agreed. "Other than Archer being in a coma how did it end again?"

"Since things are not…" Mallory let out a breath. "Going well…Understatement of the decade I know…I have decided to take drastic measures."

"What are you going to do?" Ray asked. "Steal another cat?"

"Normally I'd respond with a scathing homophobic remark," Mallory sniffed. Then she took out a cat carrier from behind her desk. "But…"

"Mrrowww…" A cat could be heard from inside.

"Oh for the love of God," Cyril groaned.

"Wow you were right on the mark," Lana gave Ray a look.

"I didn't steal **this one**!" Mallory snapped. "I'm…cat sitting it."

"Wow," Pam folded her arms. "I have **got** to hear **this one."**

"You know AJ's school County Day?" Mallory explained. "And how Sterling's friend Ivy…"

"Archer's bully," Cyril corrected.

"Died," Mallory went on.

"In a murder-suicide of his business partner," Cyril added.

"That left a vacant seat on the board of County Day," Mallory went on. "Yesterday they were holding preliminary elections and I thought I could put my name on the ballot. That way AJ would always have an in."

"But it didn't work, did it?" Lana sighed.

"No!" Mallory grumbled. "Some stupid rule about having to live in the district for over five years and be a major contributor to the community and all that crap. As if AJ's tuition isn't contributing enough!"

"So you stole the cat as payback?" Pam asked.

"No!" Mallory protested. "However, when I was there I managed to worm my way into a friendly conversation with another board member. And we hit it off."

"You hit on him," Ray translated.

"He's married," Mallory waved.

"Never stopped you before," Ray said.

"Well his wife was **right there** so I couldn't really do much, now **could I**?" Mallory snapped. "This is where the cat comes in…"

"You stole his pussy cat so he could fill your…" Pam began.

"PAM!" Mallory snapped. "Shut up and let me **finish!"**

"That's what he said," Cheryl quipped.

"Phrasing," Ray added.

"AGGGH!" Mallory growled in anger. "Will you idiots **shut up** with your idiocy and let me explain? His wife's mother is in the hospital and needed someone to look after her stupid cat. So I volunteered! Got it?"

"Let me see if I got this straight," Lana blinked. "In order to ingratiate yourself with County Day's Board of Directors…You're **pet sitting**?"

"You think I'm **happy** about this?" Mallory snapped. "That I've been reduced to babysitting a **cat** so I can get some measly favors in this smog laden backwater? My God, Trudy Beekman would roast me to ashes if she ever found out how low I've sunk!"

"Really?" Ray blinked. "You think **this** is **lower** than the time we started a **drug cartel?** Interesting."

Mallory grumbled as she took a drink. "Once **I** was the one with all the power! I was the one giving my approval for favors! I was the one everyone came to if they wanted something!"

"They came to you when they wanted to…" Pam began.

"Do **not** finish **that sentence**!" Mallory warned. "And while I am on the subject no pussy jokes either!"

"Lame," Cheryl rolled her eyes.

"Even back then though my demands weren't unreasonable," Mallory said. "A little information here. A meeting there. Some contacts to bribe…"

"Some things to steal," Ray went on. "Some people to assassinate."

Mallory shrugged. "Eh…. But I never sunk so low as to ask someone do some pet sitting for a favor! I didn't even let Sterling do that!"

"Mostly because he and that dog hated each other," Pam added.

Mallory paused. "Okay technically there was that **one time** I had someone take Duchess to a show but that was only because I had to go out of town for a mission that week. Which I regretted! Experienced handler my ass! Trudy Beekman's idiot nephew couldn't handle a wind-up dog! Much less a **real one**!"

"What that the time your dog bit the judge?" Pam asked.

"No," Mallory grumbled. "She bit another contestant and her dog. But that stupid Pekinese started that fight in the first place! I don't care what those witnesses said!"

"Kind of easy to see how your dog got banned from the Dog Show circuit," Ray remarked.

"Jealous bitches," Mallory grumbled. "And I don't mean the four legged ones."

"So how long do you have to sit on this pussy?" Pam asked.

"PAM!" Mallory shouted.

"HA!" Pam laughed.

"That's what he said!" Cheryl chirped.

"Phrasing!" Krieger shouted.

"HA!" Pam laughed again.

"Do you always have to make everything so crass?" Mallory snapped.

"No," Pam grinned.

"Stupid question," Mallory grumbled. "Asked to a **stupid person!"**

"Here's another _stupid question,"_ Cyril sighed. "I take it our assignment is to watch the cat?"

"I'll do it," Ray volunteered. Everyone looked at him. "I like cats."

"And yet you run like hell away from every other kind of…" Pam began.

"PAM!" Mallory shouted. "If you finish that sentence so help me I will take out my gun, stick it in your mouth and blow what passes for your brains all over my new carpet! I am looking for a reason to try the new stain guard!"

"Geese, don't be such a grouch," Pam grumbled.

"As for Rum Tum Terminator over here watching this cat," Mallory glared at Ray. "Forget it! I don't want any of you idiots **near** this cat! As distasteful as it is, I am watching this cat personally to ensure that **nothing** goes wrong!"

Twenty minutes later…

"So much for nothing going wrong," Ray remarked as he looked under a sofa.

"Will you idiots shut up and help me find that damn cat?" Mallory shouted. Everyone was looking around under the furniture.

"How could you let **another cat** get out of its carrier?" Lana barked.

"Because **shut up**!" Mallory snapped.

"You know that only makes you sound more stupid, right?" Cheryl snickered.

"Shut up!" Mallory hissed.

"Yeah and you didn't trust **us** to screw up," Cheryl laughed. "But then **you screwed up!"**

"SHUT UP!" Mallory screamed.

"Irony line one!" Cheryl mocked.

"SHUT UP BEFORE I BLOW ALL OF YOU UP!" Mallory screamed.

"Yeah keep screaming," Ray remarked. "Scare that poor thing even more. That'll work."

"How did you let this happen?" Lana glared at Mallory.

"I didn't **let** it happen!" Mallory glared back. "I opened the carrier to feed it and it shot out of my office like a bat out of hell!"

"Calm down," Ray said. "It's around here somewhere. All the doors are closed. It can't get out. Do you have any cat treats?"

"Here," Mallory handed a small box to Ray. "They gave me a box. Said this brand is its favorite."

"Okay," Ray rattled the box a little. "Treats. Treats. Treee…"

He stopped when he noticed Pam was taking some treats out of the box and nibbling on them. "What the hell are you **doing**?" Ray shouted.

"What?" Pam said as she kept chewing. "They're good!"

"Is that Kitty Krunchies?" Krieger asked. "Those are good!" He took some treats as well. "Oh yeah you can really taste the cod! Cheesy cod! Yum!"

"It can't taste like cheesy cod!" Cheryl protested.

"But it does!" Pam said.

"Okay I have to try this," Cheryl grabbed the box from Ray and tried some. "Oh my God! I can't believe it's not cod!"

"Words…" Ray blinked. "I have no words…"

"Neither do I," Lana groaned.

Mallory was stunned. "Just when I think my life can't sink lower into depravity, a sinkhole opens up beneath me…And I find myself in the depths of a sewer that not even God knew about!"

"Uh here's an idea," Cyril said sarcastically. "Maybe you should save some treats for the **cat**?"

"Oh right," Pam blinked.

"Oh yeah we probably should," Cheryl looked at the box. "Too late. All gone!"

"That's not the only thing that's **gone!** " Mallory snapped as she got her purse. "I am **out** of here!"

"What do you want us to do?" Cheryl asked.

"Find the damn cat and take care of it!" Mallory shouted. "And make sure the damn thing doesn't get out! I'll be back in…"

"MRRWWWWWWOOOOOOOWWWWW!"

A furry blur ran out the door of the Figgis Agency just as Mallory opened it. "What the…?" Mallory gasped.

"You shouldn't have opened the door," Ray said. "Now the cat got out."

"It must have been waiting by the door in order to get out," Krieger said. "Clever kitty."

"AAGGGH!" Mallory screamed. "GET THAT DAMN CAT!"

"Come on!" Lana groaned. "AJ's future depends on it!"

"Like that's a motivation for **me,** " Cheryl scoffed.

"You get to chase a cat," Pam said as they went outside.

"Okay I'm in," Cheryl said.

"Just get the damn cat before…" Mallory shouted as they all congregated on the sidewalk.

SCRREEEECH!

CRASH!

SMASH!

"MEOOOOOOOOOOOWWW!"

CRASH!

"Runs out into traffic and causes an accident," Mallory groaned.

SCREEEECH!

"MEOWWWWW!"

"And gets run over by a car!" Mallory screamed.

"Oh that's not good," Cyril winced.

"YOU THINK?" Mallory screamed. "Krieger…"

"I'm on it!" Krieger ran out into the street.

"Krieger wait!" Lana screamed. "Watch out for the…"

SCREEECH!

CRASH! SMASH! CRASH!

"Cars…" Lana groaned.

"I'm okay!" Krieger said cheerfully. "The cat…Ugh. Not so much."

"Is it me or does that cat look flatter than a pancake?" Pam asked. "Follow up…I could go for pancakes. Who wants pancakes?"

"I hate you people so much…" Mallory groaned. "So…So much."

Much later…

"I hate you all…" Mallory's eye twitched as she sat in her office. A large bottle of bourbon was on her desk. "My life…My granddaughter's future…is in the hands of a Nazi nitwit and a stupid cat…A stupid, stupid cat that got run over…"

"And now it's flat!" Cheryl cheered. Most of the Figgis Agency except for Krieger was there.

"God when are **you** going **to die**?" Mallory glared at Cheryl.

"So much for cats always landing on their feet," Pam remarked.

"That's what it was trying to do before that Toyota Corolla hit it," Ray said.

"I know things look bad," Lana said. "But maybe it's not as bad as you think?"

"Oh really?" Mallory shouted. "So when I hand them back their cat in a large flat box you think they're going to take it with a smile and song?"

"I'm sure Krieger can save a cat," Cyril said. "I mean come on, he brought Katya back from the dead. He practically brought Ray back from the dead."

"Yes," Mallory glared. "But unlike those two, someone actually **cares** about the damn cat!"

"Hurtful," Ray frowned.

"I should have known not to let you idiots get involved!" Mallory shouted. "You ruin everything!"

"HOW?" Cyril snapped. "How did **we** ruin everything? **You** let the damn cat out! **Twice!** How is that **our fault**?"

"It just is!" Mallory screamed.

"Typical!" Cyril threw up his arms. "You won't take **any responsibility** for your…"

"I'm finished!" Krieger said cheerfully. "The operation was a success!" He wandered in carrying the cat in a blanket.

"So the cat is okay?" Pam asked.

"Better than okay!" Krieger grinned as he put the cat on the desk and took off the blanket. "Behold!"

The orange striped cat looked fine. Except that it's legs were shiny and metal and looked futuristic. "Meow."

"Oh dear God…" Cyril groaned.

"I hate you people so much…" Mallory groaned.

"And that's how AJ ended up in public school," Lana groaned.

"Actually, it looks a lot better than I thought it would," Pam admitted.

"It looks exactly like Schnuckiputzi!" Ray gasped.

" _Who?"_ Mallory asked.

"That weird cat Krieger had for a week right after the drug cartel fiasco," Cheryl spoke up. "But before we went to Area 51 if that helps."

"Thank you, Carol Continuity," Mallory snapped. "Snookie…?"

"Schnuckiputzi," Ray corrected.

"It means Sweetie Pie in German," Krieger explained.

"Oh my God," Mallory realized. "The stupid cat's name **is** Sweetie Pie!"

"Wow, what are the odds?" Pam blinked.

Cyril gave her a look. "That this cat with the **exact same name** would have all its legs cut off and turned into robot legs like the **last one?** Actually, with Krieger it's fifty-fifty."

"I didn't cut off **all** its legs!" Krieger snapped. "Only one of them. The other three were badly damaged when Archer accidentally ran over the cat with his car."

"Oddly enough," Cyril groaned. "He didn't care about all those people injured in that three-car pileup he caused but the cat…Yeah, he was worried about **that!"**

"And this cat's legs were all crushed so…" Krieger shrugged. "My ratio for cutting off good cat legs is actually rather low if you think about it."

"I can't believe you don't remember!" Ray said to Mallory. "It threw up a hairball in your office!"

"That was a **cat?"** Mallory asked. "I thought it was Pam!"

"Well technically I did throw up a little after the cat…" Pam began.

"So Krieger has another cat just like this one around here?" Lana asked.

"Not anymore," Krieger said.

"What happened to that cat anyway?" Cheryl asked.

"Honestly, I don't remember," Krieger blinked. "I think she ran away."

"So somewhere in New York there's a cyborg cat running around," Cyril groaned. "And now there's a **second** one here!"

"You really won't be happy until half the world is turned into robots, won't you?" Mallory asked.

"One can only dream," Krieger sighed.

"Well at least the cat's alive," Ray said.

"It might as well not be! We can't bring this damn thing back now!" Mallory shouted. "Krieger why didn't you at least give the thing legs with fur?"

"I ran out of fur," Krieger said. "Except for purple fur which would have clashed."

"Why do you have purple fur?" Mallory asked.

"I assume that's a rhetorical question?" Krieger blinked.

Pam gave Ray a look. "You're lucky you got any skin at all on your robot hand. You realize that right?"

"I do **now**!" Ray groaned.

"So what do **we** do now?" Lana asked. Wincing as the cat raised its hind metal leg and started to lick itself on the butt. "We obviously can't give back this cat!"

"Not without incurring the wrath of the ASPCA," Ray added.

"I saved the cat's life!" Krieger snapped. "It's a medical miracle!"

"It's a medical monstrosity," Mallory grumbled. "But yes Lana, I am aware we can't give this cat back. So any ideas how to fix this mess?"

"We go to the pounds and or pet stores and look for a cat that looks exactly like this one," Cheryl said. "Only without the robot legs. Duh! Easy peasy!"

"That's practically impossible!" Cyril pointed. "Considering the patterns on its fur!"

"Or I could just clone it and keep this one," Krieger suggested.

"That's highly improbable but…" Cyril sighed. "How long will it take?"

"About twenty-four hours," Krieger shrugged.

"Do it!" Mallory snapped. "But I don't want this to turn into the pig fiasco we had! No extras like breathing fire or anything! Just a regular simple cat! GOT IT!"

"Well you're no fun," Krieger pouted.

Just then Mallory's phone rang. "It's just one thing after another around here," Mallory sighed as she picked it up. "Hello? Oh! I was just about to call you! Your cat…What? Oh. I see. So do you…? WHAT?"

"Hold on, Krieger," Ray sighed.

"But technically it's your…" Mallory went on. "But what about your wife? Oh. But…But… Fine. No problem. Thank you for calling. Oh right. Sorry for your loss."

Mallory hung up the phone. "I'm only sorry that it wasn't **you** who died asshole!" Mallory screamed at the phone before throwing it.

"AAAH!" Krieger tried to duck. "I was just trying to help!"

"Not **you!"** Mallory groaned. "But you're a close second."

"Let me guess," Cyril said. "Your friend's wife's mother died and his wife doesn't want the cat because she's allergic? So he dumped the cat on you?"

"Give Sherlock Homely a prize!" Mallory growled. "You deducted the situation perfectly!"

"So they're just going to dump a treasured family pet?" Krieger asked.

"Treasured?" Mallory snapped. "His idiot mother got the damn thing from the pound two days before she went into the hospital! Apparently, she's had seven cats in five years! This one was brand new!"

"How do you lose seven cats in five years?" Ray asked.

"I didn't ask," Mallory snapped. "But maybe I should? I could have gotten pointers on how to get rid of you lot!"

"So that's a no on the order of cloned cat?" Krieger asked.

"What do you **think?"** Mallory snapped.

"Maybe?" Krieger asked.

"I have morons on my payroll," Mallory poured herself a drink.

The cat stopped licking itself and meowed. "Oh, don't rub it in!" Mallory grumbled as she took a drink.

"So can I keep her?" Krieger asked as he picked up the cat.

"Why not?" Mallory groaned. "What's one more useless creature obsessed with their ass around here? Just keep it out of my sight as much as possible. In fact, all of you get out of my sight!"

"Come Schnuckiputzi Two!" Krieger happily picked up the cat. "I have some robot mice with tiny robot feet you can play with."

"How long do you think this thing will last in Krieger's lab?" Lana asked as they all left.

"I give it a week before it either dies or runs like hell," Ray remarked. "The latter is what I should have done years ago."

"It's what we all should have done years ago," Cyril groaned.

"You guys always say that," Cheryl said. "And yet you are still here. Wow something must be really wrong with you."

"Well yeah **now!** " Ray snapped.


End file.
